Your Married Sex-Intimacy doesn't equal sex

Intimacy doesn't equal sex
When a man and a woman reveal themselves to each other, it makes each person feel more vulnerable. And, particularly for men, it's hard to have amazing sex while feeling emotionally exposed. Our earliest experiences with being close come from our relationships with parents. And those relationships aren't (in any normal scenario) linked with sexual passion. That's why some husbands and wives are open about what pleases them sexually only when they have affairs. They feel as if they have to be free of "family" to be free with their amorous impulses.

Having kids definitely doesn't lead to better sex
Children in the home define husbands and wives as parents first and foremost, not lovers. That further sets the psychological cement that reminds us we are in a family home, not a love nest. Most couples get caught up in the momentum of deciding who's going to drive which child where, how everyone will end up getting dinner, who's doing laundry because there's no clean underwear for tomorrow, and more. It's hard to switch gears and end up in overdrive in bed.

The love nest you create often feels a lot like the family nest you left 
The way we behave in marriage frequently ends up resembling how we acted with our parents and siblings rather than the way we acted on our honeymoon. We wind up expressing jealousies transplanted from sibling rivalries, or we shut down because we feel like we aren't getting the attention we missed as children. And when childhood dramas take over a marriage, the spouses start to drift apart, especially sexually, because powerful, conflicted emotions from the past siphon any pure passion from the present.

What turns him on? You may be the last person in the world he'd tell
With all the talk about the difference between sex and intimacy, the two are powerfully connected. That's why what moves us sexually is usually one of our most closely guarded secrets. It's a window to our soul. In a marriage, opening that window means being seen emotionally naked 24/7. That's why many people don't open it at all. And that's a big loss. In working with couples for more than 15 years, I've rarely met anyone who doesn't welcome hearing a partner's sexual fantasies, once that person summons the courage to reveal them. I've seen lots of people blush, but I've never seen anyone get angry.

5 Ways to Put the X Back in Married Sex
Luckily, with so much passion locked inside us, there's a lot to unlock. It's just a matter of finding the right key. For most couples, being married makes being passionate together more difficult, not less. Admitting this is happening is the first step toward making it stop. You can change your sex life this week. Pick one item from this five-point plan and try it out. Have your husband pick another for next week. You'll be on your way to married sex that works. Trust me. Not only am I a doctor I've been married for 12 years.

1. Assume you don't know everything about each other sexually. 
As I've said, very often a husband and wife can be married for many years without ever telling each other what they find most exciting in bed. This is partly because many people remain painfully embarrassed about their sexual needs. But it's also because too much is at stake — namely, the emotional bond between husbands and wives — to gamble it on fulfilling a need that might be seen as odd, selfish, or simply beyond the comfort level of their partners for life. And after years pass, it often becomes more and more difficult to reveal a "hidden" desire, because it feels like introducing something very foreign into the relationship (or admitting that you've been fibbing about your sexual desires all that time).

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